I’ve been an admirer and fan of Monty Python since my teens, especially the sketches which portray the absurdity of religion. Having given up on Christianity at a very early age, I’ve lived most of my life surrounded by conventional god-worshipers who are quite often completely oblivious to the fact that many within our culture don’t subscribe to such ideas and find proselytizing offensive. The imagery of blowing up a rampaging church has always been one of my favorite Python creations.

BELLS

(Sound of church bells ringing)
Man (Graham Chapman): I wish those bloody bells would stop.
Wife (Terry Jones): Oh, it’s quite nice dear, it’s Sunday, it’s the church.
Man: What about us atheists? Why should we ‘ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
Wife: You’re a lapsed atheist, dear.
Man: The principle’s the same. Bleeding C-of-E. The Mohmedans don’t come ’round here wavin’ bells at us. We don’t get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom or Hindus harmonizing in the hall. The Shintoists don’t come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans…
Wife: All right, don’t practice your alliteration on me.
Man: Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket. Pass the butter knife.
Wife: WHAT??
Man: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!
Wife: ‘OLD ON, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.
(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)
Man: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.
Wife: Well, you could always use the number 14-St. Joseph-the-somewhat- divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. It’s in the attic.
Man: What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)
Wife: I made it for you, it’s your birthday present!
Man: Just what I wanted, ‘ow nice of you to remember, my pet. ‘EAR!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!
Wife: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!
Man: WHAT?
Wife: THE CHURCH, IT’S GETTING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE ‘ILL!
Man: WHAT A LIBERTY!
Wife: IT’S TURNING INTO OUR LANE!
Man: STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS, OF COURSE.
Wife: TYPICAL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF IT’S MISERY.
Man: WHERE’S THIS MISSILE, THEN?
Wife: IT’S IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED CHURCH!
Man: ‘OW DO I AIM IT?
Wife: IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!
Man: THAT’S ST. MARKS!
Wife: IT ISN’T NOW, LOOK!! OH, ITS OP’NING THE GATE.
Man: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
Wife: IT’S OP’NING THE GATE!!
Man: I’LL POP UP THE AIRING CUPBOARD.
Wife: ‘HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!
(Sound: Missile launch, explosion, bells diminish)
Man: Did I ‘it it?
Wife: Yes, right up the aisle.
Man: Well I’ve always said, there’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not.

Written by Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle
The Final Rip Off, 1987
Copyright Virgin Records, Ltd.

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Erin MacMichael is a science fantasy author and artist, creator of the T'nari Renegades series of novellas, novels, covers, and artwork. Her lifelong quest has been to explore past the boundaries of conventional thinking and figure out what really has transpired on this planet. She has traveled extensively throughout the world and lives in the Pacific Northwest with her marvelous offspring.

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I’ve been an admirer and fan of Monty Python since my teens, especially the sketches which portray the absurdity of religion. Having given up on Christianity at a very early age, I’ve lived most of my life surrounded by conventional god-worshipers who are quite often completely oblivious to the fact that many within our culture don’t subscribe to such ideas and find proselytizing offensive. The imagery of blowing up a rampaging church has always been one of my favorite Python creations.

BELLS

(Sound of church bells ringing)
Man (Graham Chapman): I wish those bloody bells would stop.
Wife (Terry Jones): Oh, it’s quite nice dear, it’s Sunday, it’s the church.
Man: What about us atheists? Why should we ‘ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
Wife: You’re a lapsed atheist, dear.
Man: The principle’s the same. Bleeding C-of-E. The Mohmedans don’t come ’round here wavin’ bells at us. We don’t get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom or Hindus harmonizing in the hall. The Shintoists don’t come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans…
Wife: All right, don’t practice your alliteration on me.
Man: Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket. Pass the butter knife.
Wife: WHAT??
Man: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!
Wife: ‘OLD ON, I’LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.
(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)
Man: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.
Wife: Well, you could always use the number 14-St. Joseph-the-somewhat- divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. It’s in the attic.
Man: What ballistic missile would this be, then?
(Sound: Bells begin to get increasingly louder)
Wife: I made it for you, it’s your birthday present!
Man: Just what I wanted, ‘ow nice of you to remember, my pet. ‘EAR!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
Wife: WHAT?
Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!
Wife: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!
Man: WHAT?
Wife: THE CHURCH, IT’S GETTING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE ‘ILL!
Man: WHAT A LIBERTY!
Wife: IT’S TURNING INTO OUR LANE!
Man: STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS, OF COURSE.
Wife: TYPICAL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF IT’S MISERY.
Man: WHERE’S THIS MISSILE, THEN?
Wife: IT’S IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED CHURCH!
Man: ‘OW DO I AIM IT?
Wife: IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!
Man: THAT’S ST. MARKS!
Wife: IT ISN’T NOW, LOOK!! OH, ITS OP’NING THE GATE.
Man: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
Wife: IT’S OP’NING THE GATE!!
Man: I’LL POP UP THE AIRING CUPBOARD.
Wife: ‘HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!
(Sound: Missile launch, explosion, bells diminish)
Man: Did I ‘it it?
Wife: Yes, right up the aisle.
Man: Well I’ve always said, there’s nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not.

 Written by Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle
The Final Rip Off, 1987
Copyright Virgin Records, Ltd.

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Erin MacMichael is a science fantasy author and artist, creator of the T'nari Renegades series of novellas, novels, covers, and artwork. Her lifelong quest has been to explore past the boundaries of conventional thinking and figure out what really has transpired on this planet. She has traveled extensively throughout the world and lives in the Pacific Northwest with her marvelous offspring.

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *